Alternatives to Cognitive Distortions… aka I know I’m doing this wrong, but how do I fix it?
Many of us first learned about cognitive distortions in grade school, somewhere in a discussion of logic fallacies in a persuasive writing assignment, or learning how to evaluate a cited source’s quality. Some of us have since learned more about them in social media discussions of experiences people have had with narcissism, relationship or childhood abuse, and many of us have been accused of one or more in an argument with a friend or perhaps that particularly challenging person in the family group chat. A lucky few of us have been supported to acknowledge them in therapy, and now know that everyone engages in cognitive distortions. However, chances are good that very few of us can immediately think of ways to remedy or balance out these thinking errors, often struggling when we notice them in ourselves or our loved ones (allow me a quick second to specifically point out that I will NOT be discussing cognitive distortions or logic fallacies in politics at this time, ahem!). Since I deal with these challenges so often in my work with my clients, I thought I would finally get around to writing this blog article on not just what cognitive distortions are and how to notice them, but also include a few suggestions on how to begin balancing and/or correcting them into a healthier way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. While these examples and alternatives may not work easily in all situations, they may help you brainstorm your own alternatives and bring you into a happier state of mind.
“Polarized Thinking” Often described as “black and white thinking” or an “All or Nothing Attitude”, this is when we think and process the world in extreme opposites, with little room for the “grey” area in between, exceptions, or times when maybe two things that seem opposed are true at the same time. For example, perfectionists often pressure themselves to get A’s on every assignment, and when they get anything less than a perfect score or work review, they label themselves complete and total failures. This logic fallacy causes extreme emotions of guilt, shame, anger, defensiveness, anxiety, sadness, etc. “Either they see that I am the only candidate for this promotion, or they are stupid idiots!”or “I have to get the highest grade in the class, or I will be a failure!”
Alternatives to try:
a. “Make it Grey”—consider if the issue or thought you are experiencing can include both sides. For example, if you fail one test, but have a C in the class, you are both “failing” and “passing” at the same time. Or, you might recognize you are neither failing nor passing yet, as your grade is not yet finalized.
b. “And” the power of the word “and” when you speak to yourself and others is well documented…consider how in this example, one might say “I am passing the class, but I failed this test!”. The use of the word “but” makes the first statement almost obsolete compared to the second. Instead, saying “I am passing the class, and I failed this test” allows both statements to have equal weight, and flows right into action planning— “I am passing the class, and I failed this test, so something went wrong with my studying and I still have a chance to do better next time.” As often as possible, use “and”!
c. “Question and soften your labels”— if you hear the thought “I failed this test” and a quiet little voice after that in your head says “and that makes you a failure at LIIIIFE!!!!” you may want to pause and consider your labels more often. Would you apply that label if it was your best friend saying they failed the test? Would you say that to a stranger in your class who also failed this test? I sure hope the answer is no! If so, try to identify a new label (“I failed this test, and am passing the class, so I am a decent student”) or soften it (“I failed this test, and I am passing this class, and even if I can’t pass the next one, this is not the end of my world just the end of this class, I can try again in another and might succeed.”)
“Mental Filtering” You have to filter the world around you in order to function, and not become overwhelmed. However, our brains are naturally good at letting in negative observations, in order to keep us alive, but for the most part we have to learn how to also observe the good ones in order to experience positive emotions too. When we focus only on the negatives of a situation or experience, these often become magnified and we might act or feel dramatic, be accused of exagerrating, catastrophize, freeze up and feel unable to proceed, etc. Another version is when we disqualify the positive experiences as unimportant, invalid, silly, etc. or even find a way to also turn a positive into a negative— “I have a job but the pay sucks”.
Alternatives to try:
a. “And” Notice that word “but” again? Its often present in such sentences/thoughts when we are negatively filtering, particularly when we are disqualifying positives.
b. “Exception Finding” This one is one of my favorites, as it can help us move right into action planning or help us completely reframe the first negative we observe. “I don’t like my job right now, and it doesn’t pay much, yet now I think about it I guess most days I don’t mind it, and it is really close by and has great benefits so I am enjoying all the time off to do fun things.”
c. “Pause on the Good” aka highlighting. Instead of stating a positive and moving straight into disqualifying it, if we can slow down and appreciate the positives in the first place, we might have a much softer reaction to the negatives. “I really like my time off at this job.” STOP. Think about those vacations, those guilt-free sick days, those early evenings at home. Wait a little longer before you think about the lower pay, and you might realize this job actually does “pay” pretty well, just not all of it comes in the form of a raise!
“Overgeneralization” This often touches on our own biases and insecurities. Overgeneralizing happens when we focus on a single event or negative observation, and draw a large conclusion to incorrectly assume that all similar events going forward will turn out the same way. “My boss was rude to me, she is always like this, I never want to go to another Christmas party at work again because she always ruins it.”
Alternatives to try:
a. “Question and Soften Your Labels” ahh yes, another repeat. Take the word “rude” here, for example. Are you certain that’s what she was going for? Perhaps “blunt” might apply, or “distracted”, or “overstimulated”. Be wary of making excuses and enabling others, however….even if she is being blunt, you are allowed to stand up for yourself.
b. “Exception Finding”. Is your boss always rude? Look for the next time she is nicer, chances are good that if you think of her as “always rude”, you’ll miss the times when she is kind, funny, understanding, or at least polite. Are you sometimes also rude to her?
c. “Confront”. Oftentimes when we overgeneralize, the next step is to avoid, and we end up stuck in cycles—instead, consider healthier ways to confront yourself or others, or reconsider what you are avoiding. If I think my boss is always rude, have I spoken to her about this, perhaps asked her why she feels this way, or asked her to be more considerate? If my boss is “always rude”, so therefore I hate Christmas parties at work, I may fail to realize I could just go somewhere else for Christmas or stay home! If I avoid her and only see my boss when I have to, we may miss opportunities to connect one on one, and be mutually building tension between eachother, or miss out on chances to confront each-other and resolve real issues between us—making both our jobs easier!
“Jumping to Conclusions” When we come home after a long day at work, and our partner or roommate doesn’t automatically greet us or smile, many of us immediately think “My coworker is mad at me and we are about to have an argument.” Because the person has not really demonstrated or said they are mad, let alone why, we quickly fall into a belief that we can read their minds or even tell the future!
Alternatives to try:
a. “Curiosity”. Ask the actual person you are trying to “Mind Read” open questions like “How are you?” or “You seem distracted, do you want to talk about it?” that is—if you really want to know. Its important here to avoid closed questions like “Are you mad at me?” because they automatically limit the person’s answers and what we can learn. It is also just as important to take them at their word—if they say “I’m fine”, or “its not you, just been a long day”, do your best to give them their space and assume they will figure things out. If you don’t want to know if they are mad at you, that’s fine—but commit to the fact that you don’t want to know!
b. “Devil’s Advocate” aka “Exception Finding”. Consider the opposite of your conclusion, in this example, “could they be having a good day?” and what might support that? “Well, maybe they are just deep in thought and very distracted” or “They might be mad, but not at me….maybe they had a bad day at work, or need to eat”. It is important to avoid falling into potential codependent patterns here, where you stop exploring possibilities to balance your own mind, and continue mind reading then try to solve the imagined problem for the other person. If they are hungry, you might let them figure that out and try to find a snack for themselves, or at least ask “Are you hungry?”, not shove food in their face. If they had a bad day at work, you might let them take some space and hope they will tell you about it later.
c. “Mindfulness” Try to notice when your thoughts are drifting too far into the future, or too far into the past to try to predict the future, and come back to this moment. Try to not involve what someone else is going through too heavily on your own experience. You might try “They seem upset now, I will give them space. I am having a good day. I will keep having a good day, while they decide what to do next”. There are many, many great Youtube videos on how to explore the concept of mindfulness further.
d. “Schedule a Check In” Consider when that future possibility will occur, and schedule a time to check in with yourself around then. “I’ll give them an hour and then try to ask how their day went.” You might even schedule a time to talk with the person you are trying to mind-read, in a friendly manner, and give yourself time to decide what you may need to ask them— “I noticed you seem distant, can we talk after this meeting? I’ll buy lunch!”.
“Catastrophizing” is when we magnify or minimize thoughts into worst-case scenarios: “Oh my gosh, I am running a few minutes late because of this unforeseen thing, I am going to get fired!” or “It doesn’t matter if I am on time—if I am not early every single day, I look lazy, and I will get fired”.
Alternatives to try:
a. “Wide angle lense” When we observe the rest of the facts, the negative we started to magnify may return to a healthier perspective. “I am running late for the second time this week, and I was on time the week before that, so they may notice it and probably not say anything yet because others are late sometimes too. All my other work is on time, so this is not a pattern.”
b. “Schedule a Check-In” you might notice the catastrophe is usually something in the future, and rarely can we do anything about it yet, so…how would you know if the catastrophe is here? “I have never been called in by H.R., so I will worry about that when H.R. calls me in or my boss brings it up. I will see how I do next week, if I am late more than twice I will start leaving earlier.” In the meantime, you can refocus on whether this situation was preventable or not—perhaps you can wake up and leave earlier, or no one could have predicted that car chase that shut down your highway.
c. “Forked Road” Instead of heading down the negative path of what you don’t want to feel, experience, or do, consider where you want to end up instead, and what will help you reach that goal. “I want to keep this job and to be seen as responsible, so I generally leave early, and I generally reach all my deadlines, so even if I am late this time, its unlikely to get me fired or change others’ opinion of me.”
“Personalizing” is when a negative event happens, and we take all the credit—in a not so healthy way. “That client hasn’t called me back yet, they must be avoiding me, I must have done something wrong.”
Alternatives to try:
a. “Curiosity”. Ask the actual person you are trying to “Mind Read” open questions like “When is a good time to call?”. Its important here to avoid closed questions like “Are you mad at me?” because they automatically limit the person’s answers and what we can learn, and can set off an overwhelmed person.
b. “Devil’s Advocate” aka “Exception Finding”. Consider the opposite of your conclusion, in this example, “could they be busy?” and what might support that? “Well, they did say they are getting busy with the holiday season” or “They might be avoiding me, but not necessarily for a bad reason—maybe they are in a bad mood and need some space, or maybe they just have other accounts they need to deal with first”. It is important to avoid falling into potential codependent patterns here, where you stop exploring possibilities and continue mind reading then try to solve the imagined problem for the other person.
c. “Mindfulness” Try to notice when your thoughts are drifting too far into the future, or too far into the past to try to predict the future, and come back to this moment. “I called, I left a voicemail. I am waiting. I am hungry. I know, I’ll go get lunch while I wait!”
d. “Schedule a Check In” Consider when that future possibility will make itself known, and schedule a time to check in with yourself then. How long is too long to call a friend back? Let’s say you decide you can wait a week. Distract yourself, and set a date to check in on them if a week has passed… a quick “Hope you are ok! Let me know when is a good time to try you again.” is often easy to respond to even for a busy friend and gives you a realistic expectation if they do respond.
“Blaming” A more obvious error, most noticeable when we are reacting to a situation rather than responding with our full mind present. Often referred to as “playing the victim”, blaming others for our emotions, and ignoring or minimizing our own responsibility. “You made me cry when you said I was always late!”
Alternatives to try:
a. “I” statements. Most of the time when we use the word “you”, we are pointing the finger, so it is best to use “I” focused phrases, or (even better, in my book), “we”. This might sound like “While I am not always late, I realize I am running late often, so it probably feels that way to you, which makes me really sad because I don’t want that, I want you to feel respected and that I see these meetings as important. I realize I often run late because I get a little scattered, so I will try to get ready earlier.” Or “I hate that I am often running late, so if we could leave a little early, I think I could do better.” Handle your own accountability in the situation first and thoroughly. Secondly, note that accountability may include an apology, since this distortion often happens in the middle of being confronted (which most of us find uncomfortable at best). Quality apologies rarely include the words “I’m sorry”, and accountability does not include accusations in the middle of someone else’s confrontations—this comes off as defensiveness. If you need to confront someone, you should do it when the issue happened. Waiting until you are confronted is not going to feel fair to anyone. If you need someone to do something to help you make this change, ask for what you need—don’t blame.
“Labeling” is a necessary function in human existence, but it often is done inaccurately and goes hand in hand with polarized thinking (“fair” vs. “not fair”, “right” and “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, etc.). Labeling is also often an extreme form of Overgeneralization , such as “he was so rude, all men are”. Other labels might include “the caterer is late, so this party is a disaster”.
Alternatives to try:
a. “Put Down the Labeler”. This is also known as “it is what it is”. Instead of trying to label the situation, try to take the facts at face value— “that guy was rude” and drop the extra label on all of the male gender. Same with “the caterer is late”….that does not mean the party needs to now be labeled a disaster! Check out the other tips for Overgeneralization and polarizing thinking for more ideas!
b. “Safeway”: It used to be when you went into Safeway, you would see products with more than one label on it—barcodes, sale tags, nutrition stickers, another sales tag! While this can get overwhelming, often more information can allow us to make more informed decisions! So, if you’re going to label something in life, try to add a few more labels—and you may end up with a whole new conclusion: “The caterer was late, the food was good, and the music was great, so the party was part disaster and part awesome, overall a success really.”
“Always Being Right”. This error occurs when we are feeling insecure about making mistakes, so we internalize our opinions as facts and will put others on trial to prove that our own opinions or actions have to be the correct ones. “I’m an engineer, I couldn’t have possibly calculated that tip wrong.” A fear of making mistakes can happen for so many reasons, it may be important to do some journaling to explore why it feels like you cannot be wrong, or explore this with a trusted friend, loved one, or a therapist to find out.
Alternatives to try:
a. “Separate It” Often times, once we recognize the “fact” vs. “our opinions”, the discussion or problem becomes much easier to investigate or solve. Same with “Correct” vs. “Winning the Argument”….when you care about what is correct rather than who, you can avoid personal digs from others becoming internalized and triggering your defenses. Another way to try this is to acknowledge that recognition does not impact fact: if you are wrong, you’re already wrong and the moment to change that has passed—admitting it won’t make it worse, and denying it won’t make it stop being true that you are wrong. So, why not own it?What’s the worst that can happen if you are wrong? Most of the time, once we identify a mistake or an oversight, we can now correct it and we or even the world are now better off! Even the exercise of exploring “what if I am wrong” is at best helpful, and at worst a mild waste of time—but rarely is it a catastrophe.
b. “Depersonalize It”. Being wrong is often associated with a deep feeling inside us that this means we are also “bad”—this is why we fight to always be right. Starting in childhood, we must learn that being right or wrong is not a character flaw, but that both are something all humans are, at all times—no one is perfect! So peel the issue of being right or wrong away from your identity and character, your position at work, and address it as an issue outside yourself…and you may find it much easier to face. “Engineer, or not, mistakes happen. Let me check my math here.”
c. “Exception Finding” A very kind farrier a long time ago once listened to me crying about a mistake I had made with my horse’s hoof care that had caused her some discomfort, and how awful and guilty I felt as a result—they then told me that “if you’ve never made a mistake, you must not be trying.” Chances are good that if you look hard, you have been wrong plenty of times! Remember that time you took a wrong turn, convinced that was the way? Remember when you heard that song and was convinced it was by a certain artist, only to find out it was someone completely different? Noticing times we were wrong, and it was totally ok, helps us accept the next situation and feel prepared for being wrong. This was the case for me—I felt better about my mistake, and it was easier to listen to what they were saying and correct the problem, rather than just feel bad about it and be too scared to try again—and my horse soon felt just fine!
“Should/Have” Statements that use these words are rarely accurate, and often enforce one’s opinions on others or ignore other facts about a situation, creating a lot of pressure, guilt, and imposing a set of expectations that are unlikely to be met. Take “I should have known”….the fact is, you didn’t, and there might be a reason, but telling yourself this rigid statement will not help you next time the situation comes up. “I have to do this” is another—do you really?
Alternatives to try:
a. “Accurate Language” They call it “language arts” for a reason—it takes practice, and its not always simple to figure out what a more accurate phrase might be for a given situation. Sometimes, you can just tack it on at the end. “I should have known, but I didn’t, and that doesn’t make it my fault this happened.” “I couldn’t have known, because I had no reason to think that way at the time, and hindsight is always 20-20”.
b. “Notice Choices” This is a tough one for most people. Take the thought, “I have to go to work today.” This may feel true, but it isn’t really—you could call in sick, you could quit your job or look for another, you could take that time off, and you can choose to go to work today and be mad about it, or you could find reasons to be proud of yourself “I’m going to go to work today, even though its going to be really hard”, “I’m going to go to work today and see how much fun I can have, even if my boss is in a bad mood, I don’t have to be in a bad mood too”.
“Emotional Reasoning” This is easily recognized when it includes the words “I feel like…” but the next statement that comes is not actually an emotion, and often then asserts that our guess is actually a fact, blocking out all other reasoning. It is often where very empathetic people struggle, and where intuition can be warped. Take “I feel like you’re mad at me,” for example… you can’t “feel” someone else’s emotions, but you can observe their tone, body language, words, actions, and end up on a slippery slope of assuming you know that a) what they are feeling is anger, b) that this anger is directed at you. Other examples include “I am feeling jealous, so Rick must be his favorite associate”
Alternatives to try:
a. “Accurate Language” might be a good one to try here. “I realized I am feeling jealous because you have asked Rick to help you with this case, and I would like to help too because its such a challenging one.” Full stop. Let them respond!
b. “Curiosity” this might be a simple “How are you feeling?” or asking yourself questions like, “what am I picking up on?”
“Fallacy of Control” this error occurs when we incorrectly feel unrealistic control of ourselves and surrounding (internal), or that our lives are completely controlled by external factors (external), leaving us either feeling responsible for the feelings of others (cue those of us who were emotionally abused, parentified, or rewarded for fawning over others at a cost to ourselves) or feeling completely helpless. “Nothing I do matters, I’ll never get promoted.” Or, “I can’t upset my boss or I will never get the promotion!”.
Alternatives to try:
a. “Hand it Back” Separate your locus of control from what others are responsible for… “I cannot control the weather, physics, all I can do is make sure I leave early and bring an umbrella, maybe try to be early as often as I can so I can be noticed as a reliable employee.” Or “My boss is an adult and can handle her feelings, if I handle mine and work hard, I might get the promotion, or there could be another candidate—maybe I will ask now what else I can do to qualify for it, just in case there’s a competitive candidate when the time comes.”
“Fallacy of Change” can be observed as a burdening belief or thought that occurs in two ways: one, when we assume others must change to suit our needs, that our happiness is rigidly dependent on the actions and changes of others “I can’t be promoted until you are retired!”; or, when we assume that things will remain the same— “what’s the point, I’ll never feel better” or “this is the best job ever, I will never quit it, nothing could possibly go wrong!”.
Alternatives to try:
a. “Embrace Change” If you notice the good changes in life, it becomes a lot easier to accept and move with the ones that appear negative. “When I am home alone, its easier to work on my own hobbies and visit my own friends, so while I enjoy my time with you, whether you retire soon or not, I will be fine.” Or “This job is great right now, I will enjoy it and savor it until the next change comes so I can be less stressed and adapt better.” Or, “even if I never feel better, I can wait and see what happens, or maybe that’s not the point—maybe I could start with making others feel better at this job. Well hey, that already makes me smile!”
b. “Wide Angle Lense” When we observe the rest of the facts, we may notice we have other options and do not technically need others to change in order for ourselves to change. “If you retire soon, I can travel with you. If you don’t retire soon, I could start to invite my friends to travel with me instead, and I might be happier either way.”
“Fallacy of Fairness” happens when we have a burdening belief that all things in life should be based on fairness and equality, and work out the way we expect them to, often on very simplistic views. “Its not fair that he retired before me, I have been here just as long.”
Alternatives to try:
a. “Make it Grey”: Very few things in life are “fair” or “not fair”—more often, they are a combination of both. Recognizing this makes it much easier to make decisions based on other criteria, or allows us to notice other factors. “He got the promotion, and I did not, which probably seems fair to him and not to me. I wonder what else helped them make that decision?”
“Heaven’s Reward Fallacy” Similar to Fallacy of fairness, but more focused on the burdening belief that results should be exclusively dependent on our efforts, often leading to frustration, anger, resentment, burnout and resistance. “I work hard, so I should get the promotion, its not fair!”
Alternatives to try:
a.“Gamble” Bet you never thought a therapist would tell you to gamble, eh? Well, I don’t mean the casino type with money and a potential addiction problem—rather, notice the statistics of what your efforts may bring, and play the odds you feel are worthwhile, while also having a plan for when things may not go the way you expect or hope. “I can work hard and maybe get the promotion, and I can take this certification course to further add to my resume. This may help me get the promotion, or apply for a better job elsewhere.”
b. “Notice Willfulness” Often times, we are trying to will something to happen, and convincing ourselves that sheer willpower will make it so. When we notice willfulness, and instead engage in willingness instead, we can be more open to the nuances of the experience. “I will do my best to get this promotion, and accept that it may not get the result I think it will, or there may be something involved that I am not aware of. Either way, I will focus on the experience and hope to learn what I want to try next.”
If you have made it this far—congratulations! You may notice these suggestions are similar to many thought-balancing exercises you learned in therapy, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Solution-focused therapy, IFS, etc. so while the writing is mine, most of these concepts are not my original creation. I must credit my horseback riding instructors, my professors in college, and a few experts including Insoo Kim Berg, Dr. Ross Greene, Dr. Marcia Linehan, and many others for inspiring this article with their careers, books, trainings, etc. and highly recommend these experts's resources and even therapy itself if you would like to dig deeper. This is also a first attempt at putting these concepts into writing--so, I will regularly update this blog post as I find better examples and alternatives that have worked for my clients and I, so please share with me what works for you, what you find confusing, I would love to hear your feedback!